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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978791">Like Glue</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JellyBean98/pseuds/JellyBean98'>JellyBean98</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Team as Family, lots of comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:54:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,175</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978791</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JellyBean98/pseuds/JellyBean98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"It had been 4 years since Tobias. 4 years since his entire sense of self was shattered and taped back together with drugs he pulled out of a dead man’s pocket. Until the tape wasn’t sticky anymore and he was left alone to figure out a better, stronger, way to move on."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Like Glue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He wasn’t particularly sure when it had become an issue for him. Ok, scratch that, he knew exactly  <i>when<i> just the smell of a fish dinner started to make him nauseous, or when the sound of fish sizzling in a hot pan made him want to curl up in a ball just to counteract the feeling of being upright in a chair that was just too solid. He logically knew why those things bothered him. What he didn’t understand was when it had become an issue <i>again<i>. It had been 4 years since Tobias. 4 years since his entire sense of self was shattered and taped back together with drugs he pulled out of a dead man’s pocket. Until the tape wasn’t sticky anymore and he was left alone to figure out a better, stronger, way to move on.

</i></i></i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer was positive he used glue this time. He was <i>sure<i> of it. He let his family in. He took Hotch’s offer of two weeks off to “visit his mother.” He let Morgan comfort him through withdrawals, he let Garcia check up on him and accepted when she showed up on random evenings demanding a movie marathon. He didn’t duck away from Emily’s soft hand upon his shoulder or reject the water bottles and snacks she’d shove into his bag when she thought he wasn’t looking. Gideon tried to help in his own way, offering cryptic words and a chess game full of quiet glances, but Spencer knew that this was for Gideon’s own comfort, not Spencer’s. It let Spencer feel useful, to offer some amount of relief to the man he cared so deeply for, so he didn’t mind. It almost made him feel better, in a strange way. Though maybe that was the game in the long run. Spencer wouldn’t have put it past Gideon to figure out that Spencer was seeking control, and comforting someone else would provide that. Spencer talked to JJ. Really, really, talked to her. He didn’t know exactly why she was the easiest to talk to. Maybe because she was carrying just as much guilt as he was, or because she was dealing with her own trauma so everything wasn’t so focused on him. Or maybe because she was the first to accept him, to welcome him, to love him as he was when he first joined the BAU. His very first friend would hopefully be the last to reject him. Whatever the reason may have been, he was grateful. For all of them. 
 
</i></i></i></i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Then Gideon left, but Spencer’s glue held strong. He faltered for a moment, but he stayed connected to everyone around him. He didn’t pull away the way he so desperately wanted to. He didn’t call his dealer and tape himself together, he called JJ and reapplied another layer of his glue. He grieved the loss of his mentor with his family, and they all came out stronger for it. And sure, Rossi took a minute to adjust to the new BAU, and Spencer was never a big fan of change, but eventually, it worked. Rossi slid into the family like a puzzle piece that no one had ever even realized was missing. And sure, there was still a large, Gideon shaped hole in the picture, but it was easier to move on from every day. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Which leads him to the current moment. Four years past Tobias, three years sober, two years since Gideon, and now one whole family. Sitting in Rossi’s kitchen while he holds cooking lessons for the team. Hotch and Emily both sipping on red wine, smiling so much that it was almost impossible to believe that they were the same people who had faced down a pair of unsubs earlier in the day and didn’t even blink. JJ laughed at something Morgan had said, and Morgan threw his arm around her shoulders. Garcia was hunched over Rossi’s shoulder as if she would be able to absorb his cooking skills by sheer proximity. Spencer was happy. Comfortable, loved, safe. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>And then Rossi dropped the fish in the pan and it all went to shit. Literally. The sound of it sizzling was enough to set him off. He froze where he was, leaned up against the counter, Spencer knew what was happening, and he knew what he needed to do to stop it. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i> C’mon Spencer. Just ask him to take it off the pan. Or go outside. No one will be mad at you. Just do it <i>.  But Spencer couldn’t find the words. <i> Confess! </i></i></i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Pretty boy, you good?” Derek looked up from a buzzed, giggling JJ to see Spencer hunched over the table, staring down at his own glass of wine.

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“I-” <i>Confess your sins, Boy. No better than my waste of a son.  </i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Spence, just take a deep breath. What's going on?” All signs of the happy atmosphere were gone as Spencer tried to follow JJ’s instructions. Hotch and Emily both now silently watching the exchange.

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Rossi, the food!” Garcia called out. Rossi’s attention had been turned away just long enough for the fish to begin to burn. It had been one of the first things he had said at the beginning of the night, how quickly the meal could go to shit if you weren’t paying attention. He was right.

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose.

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>This was the wrong choice. He was assaulted by the smell of the fish burning. The smell of all the spices and lemon Rossi was using was gone, and all Spencer could think about was <i> burning fish hearts and liver- it’ll keep the devil away.</i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer’s eyes were wide open but he was far, far away from the D.C mansion. “Spence?” JJ reached for Spencer’s arm, carefully brushing his elbow. Spencer jerked it away quickly, pulling it close to his body. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Please, I don’t want it. Tobias, please.” His voice trembled as he stumbled as far away as he could get until his back hit the wall. Spencer slid down the wall and cradled his arm to his chest as if he’d been burned.

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>"Oh my god- he thinks he’s in Georgia.” Emily brings her hand up to her mouth. “It must’ve been the fish.”
                         
</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“The smell.” Hotch and Morgan say in unison. They looked at each other, both acknowledging that despite only being inside it for a few moments, neither of them will ever be able to get the smell of that shack out of their heads.

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Hotch slowly approached Spencer who was still shaking against the wall. He had his arms outstretched in a gesture meant to say that he would do no harm, but Spencer didn’t even see. He was too deep in his own, cursed memory. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Reid. Reid. It’s Hotch.”

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Choose one to die.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Spencer, can you hear me? It’s Hotch.” Hotch desperately tried to give Spencer something to latch onto. Something real, something firm. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Choose one to die.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>All Spencer could see was Tobias. No, not Tobias. Raphael? Maybe Charles. <i>You need to be punished for your sins, boy. Choose one to die. It’s Hotch, Spencer, can you hear me? It’s Hotch. Hotch.</i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“I choose Aaron Hotchner. I choose Aaron Hotchner. I choose Aaron Hotchner.”  

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Oh, Spence…” The whole room knew the exact moment he was relieving. It wasn’t exactly easy to forget. They watched Spencer die, be brought back, and then play a cruel game of Russian roulette while he begged to be the one killed. They watched it. He lived it.

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Guilt crept up JJ’s back at the memory. It was when Spence saved himself. He figured out where he was. He told them exactly where he was moments after coming back from the dead. He was the best of them all and yet he was the one who always paid the price for the rest of the team’s mistakes.
Hotch crouched down in front of Spencer and grabs his hand. “Spencer, you’re at Rossi’s house. You’re safe.” Hotch gives the hand a firm but gentle squeeze, and Spencer’s breathing begins to slow. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer can feel himself coming back to reality. He’s aware of something holding his hand, of his back against the wall, of the shoes on his feet. He wasn’t wearing shoes in the shack, not after Charles ripped them off. His shoes were on. He wasn’t in the shack. His shoes were on. He was in DC. His shoes were on. He was at Rossi’s, having dinner with the team, and… "Oh, shit.” 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Spencer? Are you back with us?” Emily crouched down next to Hotch but was careful not to block Spencer in. The last thing they needed was for him to feel trapped.
     
</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Yeah. Yeah. I’m back.” Spencer ran a hand down his tired face. “Sorry for...that.”

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Oh, you don’t have to apologize for anything.” Garcia chimed in from her spot next to the stove. “Besides, I’m not big on seafood anyway, and now you just gave me the perfect excuse to order us all pizza!” 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer knew it was a lie, they all did. But it made him smile anyway, which seemed to be enough to get the rest of the team to relax. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Why don’t we go get some fresh air, and enjoy the evening?” Rossi proposed. Hotch helped Spencer to his feet, and the group went out to the balcony. Rossi lingered behind, tossing the fish into the trashcan and opening every window in the house to rid the stench.  

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>The group stepped onto the porch and sat in silence, enjoying the night air. It was late September, and one of the last warm weathered nights until the fall chill sent them inside to hunker down until spring came again. Spencer breathed in the fresh air, clearing his sinuses of any lingering thoughts of the shack. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>"Did you know that 75% of all emotions generated every day are due to smell?  In fact, humans can recall smells with 65% accuracy after a full year, as opposed to visual recollection, which drops to 50% accuracy after just three months?”

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“No, Spence, I didn’t know that.” 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Vaguely, Spencer noted that it was JJ who responded, but he wasn’t looking for a response right now. He just wanted to explain. And right now, it was easiest to explain it to the void, staring straight out into the forest that Rossi called a backyard. The foxes hiding in the bushes wouldn’t judge him, and the moths fighting against the lamp lighting up the deck wouldn’t mind if he rambled. The raccoons wouldn’t spill his secrets to his higher-ups, the skunks wouldn’t send him for a psych eval, and the moonlight wouldn’t tell him to not apologize anymore. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“I haven’t been lying to anyone, I really have been better. This- this is the first time anything like this has happened since I stopped….since Gideon left.” Spencer heard the faint hum of the cicadas in the woods. It reminded him of Las Vegas, the sound of summer buzzing in trees, warning him that by the time the sun was up he would have sweat dripping down his back. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Pretty boy, you know you’re allowed to have bad days, right?”

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer shrugged in response. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Reid, I'm serious. No one thinks you’ve been lying to us, or that you aren’t actually doing better. And no one expects you to be who you were before, either. Man, sometimes things trigger you. We all have ‘em, we just have to add seafood to our do not fly list.” 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer still didn't respond. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Henry asked Will and me for a dog last month. We went to a shelter to see what we could find. Once I heard the dogs barking I totally shut down. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I barely recognized my own son. Do you think I did something wrong?” 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“No, of course not!” Spencer turned to JJ. “You couldn’t control it!” JJ smirks in response. Derek raises his eyebrows at Reid, urging him to get the message. Spencer runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head. “Point taken.” 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Spencer grabs the hand that JJ had placed upon his shoulder. “I guess, I just thought I should be better by now. I mean, I'm a certified genius, and 4 years later the smell of fish brings me back like it was all yesterday. I just feel like I was past this.”

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Cases from when I first started at the BAU still haunt me. I’m sure Rossi can say the same. Spencer, you’re a human being. Things will bother you. Things will stick with you. You just have to know that you have a team of people around you willing to help when things get hard.” Hotch said this with finality. There was no room to argue. Not that Spencer wanted to. He trusted Hotch with his life. And if Hotch said things were ok, then things were ok. 

</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“You’re stuck with us, Reid,” Emily said with a wide smile. 
    
</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>“Like glue!” Penelope finished.
   
</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i><i>Spencer giggled to himself. “Just like glue.”
  </i>
</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>kinda fudged the years a little bit solely so i could write the four three two one line lol oops oh well<br/>I apologize if this is super rough, I really haven't written for like the entirety of quarantine cause i could not find the motivation and i figured i would force myself to at least publish something and i did have fun writing this so hey maybe ill try and get back into it.</p><p>also ao3 is giving me hell and absolutely refusing to let me use italics so I'm really sorry if this gets a little bit confusing at parts. I may go back in later and try and fix it but for now I think I'm going to just leave it alone (unless its unreadable, in which case pls let me know and I'll fix it)</p><p>anyway hope you enjoyed this! till next time i guess</p><p>\</p></blockquote></div></div>
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